Fybromyalgia Mom

Growing up wasn't the same for me as most children from the 90’s. I had a big imagination, love for playing outside, and playing with my pets. Having separated parents since the age of 3 I was moved from house to house on a weekly basis. Three days at dads, then three days at mom, and on night at my nanas. But being at my mom’s house was never the same. I’d ask my mom if we could go somewhere, most the times I got “not today” “sorry sweety, my back hurts” “give me an hour see how I feel” those hours never did end. For those who don’t know what fibromyalgia is widespread muscle pain and tenderness from hyperactive nerves.

Living with some who has fibromyalgia is hard, almost as hard as it is for the one who has it as it is for the other who lives with the person. One time my best friend Colin Bechtel his Mom, Lauri, my mom and I were at kids history museum in Bangor. We were there for maybe two hours, now two hours. Everyone knows when you’re a kid two hours never feels like that much when you’re having fun. We had to leave early because my mom’s nerves were flaring up and it was causing her to be in tears, it hurt her so bad. No matter if she sat down stood up it wouldn’t help.

It never failed either. 99 percent of the time for 13 years mom and I would always either have to leave somewhere earlier, say no to family things, she had to call out of work numerous times because she couldn’t even stand up. Even though I could have still gone to do thing with family and such, I thought it would be upsetting to my mom if I left her behind, so instead I would stay behind and help her. Sometimes it was so bad, I had to cook dinner. I learned how to cook and provide for myself and care for another since a very young age.

Most recently she had a surgery done, it was an $80,000 procedure three doctors, and two specialist were flown in from Boston mass. It’s been 10 months and most of her pain is gone every once in a while she has sore days we call them but it’s not every day. I just wish they had done this for her, 14 years ago when she first was diagnosed. And it makes me wonder if they had done this sooner, would my childhood had been different?

Theater

Theater is another one of my most favorite things every. I have been doing theater for almost nine years, performed in 15 different shows, done three years of tech and stage managed. I love this field because I understand it so well and it’s always fun to me. I fear the day I become a director I will be the pickiest director ever, and pin point down to all the fine details.

I can’t go through watching any production without making a few creative criticism remarks as to what would make it better. Weather the actor need to cheat out, project, enunciate, emphasize etc… there is always something that can improve. This last year’s High School fall play Band Geeks, being a senior I knew the ropes and would try and just drop little pointers to the underclassmen to try and not do this or try this instead, but I didn't want to step on the directors feet by doing it so I bit my tongue, a lot. Plus it was my show. Yes I might have gotten a little too carried away sometimes, but I always restrained myself.

Theater is one of the majors I chose for college. Just last week I went up to UMO for an accepted student day and found out there was a play on Friday, at the pavilion theater. The theater director showed my mom and I the theater in a little private tour, it is the cutest place I had ever seen. Room for about 70 seats, the stage was the floor and backstage was under the seating. It’s a nice little cozy place, and on Friday night mom and I went to go watch Godspell. Small cast, telling the story about the book of Mathew, after the first couple lines in the play I thought only one thing to myself. “Wow his diction” I understood everything that he said. The staging, dancing, posing, freezing, everything about that play was simple amazing. I couldn't believe it I had sat through an entire play and didn’t remark on anything.

Half way through the show audience members were chosen to be a participant in the play. Of course when it came for someone to be Lazarus, one of the actors grabbed my mom, and she was on stage acting. My mom has never acted before so she looked completely stupid doing it, and I mothed the words “I hate you so much right now” she knew I was only joking of course but I was jealous I wanted to go up and act. Oh well ill act in plays when I’m attending college.  The person who chose my mom is a sophomore in college so if I happen to see him and become friends or good co-stars with him I’m planning on teasing him about choosing my mom over me. In a funny manner. Not to be rude or anything.

Anyways theater is something I know most about, even though I know I still have a lot to learn and I will learn it in college I hope one day ill become a popular director/actor. My ultimate goal is to make it to Broadway someday, going to Ellen’s Stardust Diner watching waiters and waitresses sing their hearts out to one day be recognized by a director. 

Be Happy Be Healthy

I love to exercise, feeling of being in shape and healthy is awesome. My sophomore year of high school is when I first got into the best shape I had ever been in my entire life. All because of Indoor Track, don’t be fooled by the name, we ran outside for practices every day, the meets were the only thing that was inside. From November to February 12 of us ran outside all winter long, for a girl who grew up hated running I chose to try track, where the most running is required. How ironic huh?

The first two weeks were hell. My legs hurt so bad, I found out very quickly that my worst enemy was tackling stairs. But after a fashion I was getting in shape. It felt nice. And I was noticing that I was subconsciously eating a lot better. I didn't want to eat any junk food, or drink any soda. I felt the best that I have ever felt in a long time. Never have I felt so alive I guess I could say it that way. Before I did track my winter was my off season. Take a break from sports and theater to have time to focus on taking it easy, which my parents are always telling me I need more breaks in my life.

Most likely in the winter time I would get your average illnesses, colds, stuffy nose, congestion, etc. never the flu. But ironically in the winter, running out side, boosted my immune system. I went the whole winter without a single bug. Besides a runny nose and sore throat but I learned quickly learned that I should cover up more around my throat and face. I thought I would hate it and quit halfway through but once I noticed a difference in my day to day living in a positive way, I learned to love track. I did outdoor but chose not to do it last year because I wasn't happy with it. Reasons I won’t elaborate.

For anyone who wants to get in the best shape ever and wants to be healthier, do running, specifically with John Hunt the outdoor and indoor track coach this year, he knows what he is doing and lives track. You’ll won’t be sorry for doing it even if you hate running like I do.  

Mother Daughter Bond

How my Nana is an amazing woman. She is the definition of kind caring, giving and loving. Never has she failed to help others, or do for herself what others couldn't do for her, and vice versa. My Nana recently had her mother pass away just a few months ago. My Nana is in her late 50’s now, she would call her mom, I called her Mammie, I think twice if not up to five times a day probably, ever since the day she turned 18 and moved out for college, she called her mom every single day for almost 50 years. That's a long time.

Nana is a CMA at Blue Hill Memorial Hospital and cared for her mother the most, she would; help her get to doctors’ appointments, clean her house, help shopping for groceries, help her with whatever was need, or just swing by after Nana left work to have a cup of tea with her mom, and just talk. She loved her mom. The bond between her and Mammie was a mother to daughter bond I haven’t seen like no other, I hope one day my mom and I will have a bond just like nana and mammie did, yes every once in a while they would bicker at each other and argue but that whatever child and parent do. Most the time it wasn't even a serious matte just to be plain out silly, or stupid.

I would sometimes join Nana and go visit Mammie in prospect at her home where she lived for 72 years. Her husband built that house for her back in the early 1900’s and yeah it’s still there. I always loved visit Mammies house. The food was good, bonding with them playing card games, drinking tea or just talking about the new family drama, cause there’s always drama in my family about some stupid reason, it was always fun. Nana would make sure the dishes were clean before she left, floors were swept, table clean, etc.

Nearing the time Mammie was getting really sick, hospital visits almost twice a week, blood levels so erratic, one sickness after another, Nana knew her mom wasn't going make it much longer. The one night Mammie was at the hospital the whole family was notified that she wasn't going make it through the night. Was one of the most tragic night of my life, because it was the night I saw my Nana cry her heart out because she knew she was going to lose her mom. Not before that night had I seen my Nana in true grief and pain. I always pictured my Nana as the strongest woman I know, almost never was she to sad to put a smile on her face, or so scared that she might not be able to do anything, until we were in the hospital lobby. I was alone in the lobby away from most everyone so they could have their time with Mammie, as I was upset she was passing away I don’t rarely show my emotion in front of people.

Nana came out and I could see the look in her eyes that she was utterly heart broken. I didn't say anything to her I just hugged her, she hugged back and started to bawl. Never has my Nana bawled in my arms before it’s always been the other way around. “im scared to lose my mom, she everything to me” she said whimpering and sucking in the snot running out her nose. I told her “I know you Nana, I’m sorry. She’s gonna be alright.” After we both let some tears out for a good chunk of time, we sucked it up and went back to the room to see everyone.

That next morning I got the text “Mammie passed” I was devastated, as was my Nana, she would speak for hours almost, she would look at her phone to call Mammie, but she Didn’t need to anymore. ‘What am I going to do now?” she said, “that’s for you to decide Nana, I know you’ll make the right choice” as we stood in the living room hugging, the only words I heard her say was, “I’m going to miss her so much.” “me too Nana, me too” 

(left to right Mammie, Peg (nanas sister), and Nana.)

My Nana is the Best

I love my Nana. She has been everything to me. When I needed help she was there. When I was younger and wanted to play, learn something, or just watch what she was doing, she was there. And not only just for me, even though she has never forgotten about me or mom, she always been the woman to be there for anyone who needed her. I love going to my Nanas house whenever I get the chance. Not everyone can say they have an awesome Nana or grandparent that they have learned to love, be friends with, and explore life with but I am grateful I’m able to say that I have.

No she may not be the best person in the world but in reality who really is? In my world she’s pretty high on the list. She’s not perfect, she has had her moments, as does everyone. Growing up with her I have learned so much. She’s the person who actually taught me how to cook, ever since I was tall enough to stand on a stool, reach the counter top and know what shes telling me to do; we've been cooking all different sorts of things. Week nights when dad wasn't home to cook dinner for me I would climb through the kitchen and see what I could find that looked yummy and I would cook it. Sometimes I would have to call my Nana up and ask her how to do something or what an ingredient is, she always answered.

She taught me a love for the outdoors as well. There was not a single sunny, summer day her and I were outside tending to her 7 flower gardens and 2 vegetable gardens. Feeding the birds and squirrels, watching butterflies play in the sky, looking at the clouds and see what pictures they made. Those days are what made my childhood almost.

I remember a hot summer day and I grabbed my little, floral printed garden glove and plastic garden tools, as Nana grabber her gardening stuff, to go do some weeding. I had started my very own carrot plant in her veggie garden across the dirt road of the trailer park. I went to go look at it and there was a carrot growing, I was so excited. I pulled it out of the ground and ran over to Nana screaming “I got one I got one Nana look!!” she laughed and told me I should have left it in the ground to let it grow more, it wasn't any bigger than an inch long, maybe three centimeters wide, but I had one. I ran to the garden hose and washed the dirt off to try it. It didn't taste like a carrot.. My face looked priceless she said. She had a good chuckle for about five minutes while I was scraping the carrot bits off my tongue.

I remember the smell of her freshly washed sheets she would hang on the cloths line outside to dry. I thought it was a maze, so I would run through them laughing. As Nana would try and chase me and catch me eventually she did I would laugh and laugh. I recall her teaching me how to blow a bubble with bubble gum, we both knelt at the coffee table in the living room she described how to do I don’t know how many friggen times, but after hours of practicing I finally got it. then there was the times it was time to go to sleep but I was too wide awake, and with the lamp attached to the headboard of her bed we would do shadow puppets with our hands, or she would tell me stories of her past growing up with all her siblings.

Yet as the years progressed there was less playing but more just good ol’ bonding time. We would sit and talk for hours at night, school, friends, and family, whatever came to mind. She’d paint my nails some times. We’d go shopping which is always interesting with the two of us because we both hate shopping; if my Mom Nana and I go shopping together, everyone better look out, it’s just indescribable, Nana and I raised chickens once, she loves chickens and I wanted some so she got some. She and I would take care of them she never picked them up but I did, I'd walk over to her so she could pet it and every time I did, the chicken would shit on me, it never seemed to fail. I quickly learned to hold the other end of the chicken just a little bit away from my clothes so the poop would land on the ground.

I love my Nana and for all the good memories of her and I throughout my childhood, teen years and soon to be adult hood, I wouldn't ask for any of it to be different, and for her to stay the amazing woman that she is today. 

New Beginning

Any else nervous for college? I, personally, can’t wait. Almost like a fresh start. New people, new place, and so many more opportunities open up to choose from. there is also a very big decision I'm stuck on. Feeling like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. should i get and apartment or dorm room? I have no idea, I want to do the full college experience, but I want to be able to have my ‘me’ time and save money. If you know me I am a very independent individual. I've grown up alone, lived by myself for a whole summer alone, go home after school to be home alone, I've never gone without being alone sometime somehow someway. In a dorm room there will be someone there 24/7. Then again I’ll be right on campus. Which will be helpful for those late night band performances.

Having an apartment I’ll be able to have a room to myself. Even though I should be put outside my comfort zone for college; I can’t even go a week sharing a room with a family member. My bubble is a very big concern of mine. I also have a diet of being gluten free, for medical reasons, and the cafe at the university does not have very many options of food I can eat. That also worries me. I will save a couple thousand dollars in a year with and apartment verses a dorm room.

I don’t want to have to potentially deal with a snobby, mean, rude and ignorant roommate for five months at a time. I may seem like an okay people person on the outside, but I can only bite my tongue for so long before my head explodes. Yes I know I probably sound ridiculous or stupid but these concerns are what’s making me ease more towards an apartment over a dorm room. Also my dad is fully against the idea of getting an apartment and won’t budge. He just yells at me every time I try and bring it up.

This whole thing has been a big focus on my mind since Courtney brought it up to me and I said I’d get an apartment with her. I know that when I turn 18 my dad legally can't force me to do anything, thank gosh, but I have people telling me left and right that either or sounds like a good idea. But that not helping me any……I’m just completely and utterly confused.

so much to think about.

Freestyle, no limits, chord progression, sharp, flat, augmented, diminished, mixolidian, etc..there is so much in my brain that wasn't there before. Most of you will not understand anything I'm about to write about. It started last year, I thought that I knew so much about music, just not music theory, then I started to take Jazz combo class. First thing I learned, I knew nothing about music. We first went over the basics, chords. Major, Minor, Diminished and Augmented, the four most common chords. There is a root in every chord, adding a flat or sharp to the 3rd 5th or 7th of a chord is what defines what type of chord your dealing with. 

Next was learning modes, from blues to smooth, mixolidian to pentatonic. Everyday something new pops up. Mr. Nes my teacher, handed out sheet music, we sight read it, after a few bars we stopped. Mr. Nes told me I was playing it wrong. I told him I didn't think I was. Then again I haven't scratched the surface of knowing what music theory is. i was playing it wrong cause I never transposed the music into my key. Another knew aspect of music I've never done before. Playing alto sax, my tone is six steps above the piano. So for every note on the paper I had to play the note six steps above it. 

This was a whole new aspect for me, it forced me to really think what I had to play. Before writing it down later on like I eventually did, it was hard. Worst thing was soloing. In most songs that we play the chords change every bar or so, sometimes in half a bar. Going from the I chord then V chord then jumping to the VI chord, lastly the IV chord sometimes. It was never the same progression either. Every time a chord changes my notes change. Different roots, keys or modes. It’s the most complicated thinking I ever do, because of all the factors I have to think about.